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[it hadn't been Anthony that invited him but Grace, but that was neither here nor there. Anthony had a point. He'd done nothing but cause trouble since he came, however accidentally, on the fringes of Anthony's life. Well he hadn't yet decided if he wanted to but the 'Different' fiasco took that choice from him.

There was no good answer to this or anything to make it better so may as well just be honest and get it over with]

Have you ever known me to able to have a conversation and just talk? Especially in front of someone I don't know well? It wasn't my intention to make you look like an ass, and I am sorry.

But I'm not like you or Dad. [or anyone in his family really, with effortless words and effortless charm. Somewhere along the way his own had been misplaced, as if he didn't really belong after all. If not for he and Anthony's physical similarities, he would have had doubts]

I never know what to say or what to do. You just seemed to have a happy life for yourself with children and I just wanted to know.

But it's fine. I'll stay out. You won't hear from me again unless it's an emergency.

[ Ah, but Anthony had told Grace his cousin was in town. Knowing her as he did he knew the invitation would come and give him an excuse to invite Alec over. If he hadn't wanted that to happen Anthony simply wouldn't have told her a thing about it.
Besides it wasn't like Alec would have come if the invite had been from him! His dear cousin had already refused to meet him for breakfast. ]

That's shit. If you hadn't wanted to make me look like an ass you wouldn't have brought up all those childhood stories. You started in almost as soon as you arrived.

[ It wasn't only the awkward question... ]

You are an idiot.

[ Once more he thought to just leave it there. Wash his hands of Alec and just walk away. To Hell with him! ]

[he wanted to say that it was revenge for being manipulated into coming, but in the end he shouldn't have done it. Even if he hadn't, the evening would have gone downhill the moment he'd gotten in the door so it wasn't as if there would ever be a different outcome]

Sorry.

[ But a few hours later he was texting again. ]

I don't want to never see you again! You fucking idiot! I just wish we could be family, like exist in those sitcoms... You are the only one that knows what is going on.

[and a few hours after that, sometime around midnight after having stayed up far too long thinking about it]

I can't be who you want me to be to make that happen. I don't know what you want me to do about it. I can't even be that person with my own immediate family. I couldn't even be that for

[he tried to delete the last part but his thumb slipped and he sent it instead.

Shit.

Forget it and move on. All he could do]

I will never be able to be what you're hoping for.

[which should be the end of it but...the last part bugged him until a few minutes later he was texting again]

Are you referring to the 'Different'?

[ As it happened he was still up and alone when these late night texts came in. It was difficult to sleep these days as the memories some times returned as dreams. ]

Ellie? What stops you? You don't have to say anything just show up from time to time. She loves you.

[ Maybe showing up was the difficult part. Alec would have to let some one get close to him, wouldn't he? Something he seemed vehemently opposed to...

Anthony sighed and nearly tossed his phone aside. After all he was a lot that same way. He wanted to be closer to people but always kept his deeper thoughts private. What good does that ever really do?? And maybe because he was running punch-drunk on a lack of sleep or because right now he felt like he was loosing grip of his mind like Alec had warned he actually typed in... ]

Yeah. I'm scared.

[Just show up? Anthony saw what happened when he showed up anywhere. Routinely. And yet he still had hope it would be different this time, cute dumb bastard. Ellie loved everyone, so that hardly counted, and a cheerful life besides. He'd hate to be he one that sapped that from her.

It would be an uphill battle to address it, so he wisely chose not to

Instead on the next message he decided he would take the Bureau down. To gut it from within like a fish and leave its carcass to rot in the sun. How he was going to do this, he had no idea, but there was no excuse for frightening the piss out of everyone because of some mysterious agenda.]

I'm still up if you want to come have a drink.

[ A drink?? At this hour! ]

Where?

[ It sounded like a good way to forget. ]

My flat. I'll give you directions.

[though he might have to take a cab]

[ He could just plan on spending the night...-- yeah, he will call a cab. ]

Just the address would be fine.

[ The cab hadn't had any trouble finding the old red-brick building. The trouble had started when he entered past a group of rough looking men only to find the elevator out. Damn. He was out of breath and nearly wheezing by the time he finally made it to Alec's door and knocked. ]

[Alec opened the door and let him in without much preamble. The apartment wasn't exactly a mess but not exactly neat either. A pile of graded and ungraded papers lay on a table as well as an old laptop. Otherwise it was pretty threadbare. Alec might look pretty threadbare himself wearing an old gray pullover, sweatpants and worn socks. Clearly he was ready for bed. The pot of coffee being made on the single serve coffee maker told another story.

He's not going to tell Anthony where to sit, but really the only place to sit aside from the cluttered table is the badly sprung couch that's a mustard color and has the lovely view of the neighbors window]

I only have whiskey.

You might have warned me the elevator was out.

[ Weeezeee, huff.... puff! Anthony tossed himself onto the sprung couch and almost got himself skewered by a spring. The arm ended up being a much more comfortable place to sit. ]

Whiskey works. I've had worse.

[ Anthony gave the room a a quick scan as the booze was fetched. This was typical of Alec but he still thought it was a shame. Maybe if some one left a couch on the doorstep this place could be made a little more unbroken... ]

[good luck getting it up the stairs]

I forgot. Not usually up this late. [whiskey poured, he'll give it to his cousin then settle himself on the other side of the sofa with a mug of strong coffee, no sugar or cream to cut it with. He took a sip and winced.

For now he let the silence fall as he stared out the window at not much. He wondered what memories Anthony had. What false ones. What delusions. There was the snake and the garden-- But what if that was real? It seemed outlandish at the time, but apparently there were others that were wild like that]

Other than the snake and the garden, what .... [he didn't want to call them memories... or visions] ...have you experienced?

You'll laugh.

[ He was certain of that so Anthony made sure to hit that glass of whiskey HARD before he tried to find the words for it. ]

I was a Nanny.

[ Anthony didn't look up from his glass, didn't even check Alec for a reaction, he just waited for the snickering. ]

A lady, tucking in a kid at night... and singing him some nightmarish lullaby.

[he sorts a bit into his coffee.]

And here I thought you eating lipstick when you were three was a phase.

[but he didn't mean it]

And it felt real, didn't it? Lived in. As if you knew you'd been there but you knew you couldn't've been.

That had been a mistake... lip-gloss doesn't taste nearly as good as it smells.

[ The snort wasn't the worst that could have happened but another long drink was taken anyway. He wasn't quiet numbed yet. ]

It was real. It couldn't have been but it was. I know it was real! I had another memory before that one. Aziraphale was in it, Mr. Fell. We were arguing about something and I suggested we go to lunch just to keep him from leaving. I needed him for something. Help maybe... I'm not sure.

But he looked the same in every way that he does now and because of that dream I knew he would love crepes.

[ Now he did look up to meet Alec's eyes. ]

How did I know that if the memory wasn't real?!

[he thought about this too. That Fell was in it was a surprise, but maybe not. There's something to establish before he went further. But...first]

Aziraphale is a hell of a name. That's either a nom de plume or he had a hell of a childhood.

[he sipped his coffee]

Do you know if Fell had a similar vision? Or one of you?

[ By now his glass had been drained but he had seen where the booze where kept. Anthony wandered over to the bottle and poured himself another glass. He realized he had been drinking a lot lately but he didn't let it bother him for more than a moment. ]

What if he did? What does that really mean??

It means they're manipulating you and Fell as well. He's a lonely man and needs someone who he thinks he shares a connection with, a history. You look for connection too. So they create this myth where you rely on each other, you become dependent, you work together to unravel this false fantasy they give you. Maybe you become so embroiled you don't want to see the truth, because how can that connection be a lie?

[he looks back at his cousin]

But it is. It's a trick. A con. A mind game. You know none of that is true, no matter how real it feels-- especially if it feels real, especially if you have no doubt. Memories are hazy things. There may be clear moments here and there but you can't ever be a hundred percent sure you've got all the details perfectly. If you can? That's a problem. If they worry you? That's another problem.

You understand, don't you?

Edited 2020-04-19 03:21 (UTC)

[ It all made perfect sense when explained that way. Leave it to Alec to scrape away all of the extra and try to cling to the logical. One could almost think that was the truth, that all these memories were the lie... only they they did feel so real.

Anthony's voice was a touch ragged as he responded, constricted by all of these conflicting emotions. He could be logical but feeling things was very much a part of his nature too. ]

Why? How could these memories even be implanted?? Are you talking ray gun? I don't think anyone has invented the ray gun yet!

[ He paced as he spoke, his voice gaining volume as his frustration grew. ]

What would be the point! Why give Aziraphale and me these memories? Why is it important we work together? And why if they wanted all that to happen would they give us both the memory of plotting to kill some poor kid!?

Plenty of ways. [his voice is calm] People's memories are altered all the time, through torture, through hypnotic suggestion, even drugs.

[the plotting to kill some poor kid shocked him and he thought again of the body in the river, but pushed it away]

We don't know why, that's what we need to find out. Can't you see it's already starting? How hard you're clinging to it? You want it. You want it to be real. You want it so much that you discount anything else. Or maybe you're too afraid of what might have been done and I don't blame you because I'm fucking terrified myself.

We don't know anything for sure, except who we are and who we've always been.

You think I want this!?

[ His voice was a harsh drunken snarl in contrast to the calm tone Alec used. ]

I was some kind of monster... maybe Satan himself! Who would want to be a monster?!

[ Some how he stumbled his way back to the arm of the sofa, slumping onto it as his deflated. ]

I don't want to remember any of this...

[he gives Anthony a sober look]

So you don't want any of this to be real? Even your connection with Fell? Is that what you're telling me?

[he speaks gently, watching Anthony with a searching gaze]

[ His glass of whiskey was swished before being brought up to his lips. It wasn't only the memories the feelings that went along with those moments had been there too. That sense of familiarity, companionship, there had been a feeling that they had known each other for a very long time. And the man's smile. The way the little guy had brightened like he had just won the lottery only it had been followed by the very happily simple, 'we had crepes!' The corner of Anthony's mouth might have quirked up ever so slightly as if some how they were sharing that smile. ]

I don't think one can pick or chose which memories to keep. It's all or nothing...

[ Which wasn't an answer but that was a strangely difficult series of questions. ]

That's not an answer. [he curls his legs up on the couch and watches Anthony. He sees those emotions across his face, the gentleness, the unexpected fondness of that smile]

Tell me. Honestly. It'll help.